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If Only I can Live

Dear ……

I don’t know who to write to. I am very tired, actually exhausted and drained. As I'm lying in bed I try to sleep. What a difficult task to perform. My body wants to sleep but my mind and soul won’t, even though I am desperately in need to rest.

My chest hurts but it's that kind of pain that I cannot describe or elaborate. There is no one area that I can point at. My chest just hurts. My ribs are slowly encircling my lungs and heart, squeezing tight, suffocating me. As much as I don’t want to die I do actually want to depart this world just for a little while. The pain in my chest is too strong – I need to rest.

My days look alike. Every moment of the day is just as if the moment hasn't passed by. It's like my life is just one everlasting instant that just won't end. I am sick of waiting for the next moment to dawn on me; for the sun to rise and a new day to begin.

I sometimes wonder why I am. The world is crazy yet it sees me as the crazy one. Was I meant to live? If I was meant to exist then why was I meant to see things the way I see them. There must be a reason for this. I feel paralysed before my thoughts. I see so many faults in this world and these faults kill me slowly and I need to fix them to survive. But I don’t know what to do. As time passes by I slowly die – my soul twists and churns as it falls a victim to my incapacity and impotence. I'm slowly dying. I feel I need to take a break from the world only to return with fresh thought. I am so involved in everything around me and in the daily and recurrent events that continuously look alike. I don’t understand why people are not getting it. Why can't they see what I see? Why aren't they bored of what they do? Does it ever cross their mind that they are deceiving themselves? I don’t understand. How can I make them realise what ugly destiny they are leading us all to.

Aah. My ribs are tightening their grip on my chest. I am trying to breath. If only I can sleep. If only I can dream. If only I can wake up into another day; a new day; a new beginning.

S

18 June 2006

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