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alone

"It is obvious you are looking for something. It doesn’t need Freud to figure that out"

Of course I'm looking for something! I never denied that. The search has kept me going so long. But I'm getting tired now from the fruitless pursuit. Sometimes I wonder whether I am looking in the wrong direction or whether I have misled myself into believing in something that truly never exists. Maybe I just need to look for something else.

My weariness is taking its toll on me. My search is now becoming a burden I can no longer carry.

Sometimes I feel I am trying to find my way out of a crowd. Everyone one is moving in all directions. I keep trying but I am always pushed from all sides. I end up where I am. I never move. I am only bruised.

I can easily hear the car horns in my head. I can visualize that traffic jam. Everyone is stuck, everything is immobile. I can no longer think. But still I'm afraid to give up.

"You have so much to give"

Tell me, what do I have to give? I no longer know what I have to offer.

I am worthless if I have nothing to give you. Now that I have nothing, I have become of no value to you. Isn't that why you left me? I will never forget that day when you confessed your feelings to me. You told me it was because I had so much to give. So why did you walk out on me? Why did you just drop me like that? I no longer had anything to offer you.

I am terrified of being alone. I keep recalling moments earlier in my life when I would sit on my own, terrified of growing into a lonely person. Just look at me now. I can't connect with anyone, despite what you all think.

"But you are"

You were absolutely true! I am lonely … I am pathetically lonely. I would do anything to not be alone. It is disgusting!

"Sorry, I was only joking"

No you were not. I can just imagine your face as you are sitting there behind your laptop screen re-reading what you have just typed. You think you hurt me? No you did not. Unfortunately you had no new revelations for me.

You have seen the worst of me. You have seen me at my lowest. You have heard me cry in bed. You have seen how petrified I was now that I was losing the only person I could connect with. But most of all, you walked away.

"You are acting, right?"

Yes I am. Darling, it's all a one big act. You think I am as happy as I seem to be? Do you really believe my smile? You don’t need to ask. I revealed myself to you. You have seen it all. I have never been so exposed, but still you walked away.

"I didn’t think you were as sad as you really are"

Is that true? Can anyone be as happy as I seem to be? Is there a human being on the face of this earth who has not
suffered pain? Sadness is a common characteristic of us all. The question is to what extent?

Did I overwhelm you? You couldn’t cope with what I carry. For you I am a dust ball of emotions. All the dirt has collected around it. My emotions are continuously in contradiction. I am always fighting myself. I am always at war.

"You have to be positive"

What is it wrong with you people? Why can't you just let me be? Leave me to be whatever I feel. I don’t have to be positive and I don’t have to be negative. I just need to be me. I need to express myself. You want, you desire, you expect. What about me? Do you ever stop for a second and think? You always want that pleasant happy person! You don’t get it, for me to be that person, I need you here with me. Support me, stand by me, defend me.

I am letting go of my ego and I am begging you to look straight into my eyes. Hear me. I don’t have to speak and I don’t have to cry, just listen to my soul and feel my pain. Just be there for me.

"You want to leave me?"

Yes, I was stupid enough to walk out on you. I was young … I was blinded from the truth. It was with you I felt the safest, but I could not relate to you. I have lived a tormented life. I fell in love with my agony that I kept looking for more. You stretched out your arms to grab me and I rejected you.

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